The Life of a Mind Reader

This was an actual ticket I got this evening:
Error message: Trying to log in to this IMAP/SMTP account failed. Verify that
the username and password are correct. This affects my business directly.
That's it, no other explanation of what was happening.
Well thanks to my finely tuned Techtard Translator (patent pending), I assumed that he's using a Mac. This is due to the mac.com email address he emailed this wealth of information from. That and I looked at his domain name which also has to do with Macs so I figured I'm safe here.
From there I figured that his problem was related to the recent server migration and the fact the Mac mail uses SSL by default.
While that's a great thing from a security standpoint, it's HORRIBLE when you're dealing with the dumbest people on earth.
So I ended up sending this wonderful human being along with the name of the server his account is now on.
You know, I got curious so I went and looked up this idiot's site. Apparently he makes his living providing support for Mac users.
Wow.
This F*cktard (yes, that's with a capital f) really oughta know better.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Seriously, a client just came in with this question:
"how do i connect to my server using OSX" (yeah I thought the lack of punctuation was funny too).
I thought about including the rest of the chat, but it's just too painful.
Seriously? You ordered a dedicated server and you don't know anything about the command line? Let alone this guy had no idea what "Terminal" is.
"Okay sir, I will explain how to use your over priced piece of shit for you dedicated server which you clearly have no idea what to do with in the first place."
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, this guy ordered a damn dedicated server.
Part of me is just sure the Quad-core processor in his machine is just going be serving up a single iWeb page.
Captain SSL Strikes Again!

All I can really say about this chat is "What the hell is this guy talking about?" Read on and you'll understand (as usual, the names have been changed to protect the retarded). This was submitted by a co-worker (thanks El Jefe!).
*Cpt SSL*: Hi *El Jefe* -
*Cpt SSL*: I have some pre-sales technical questions before I purchase a plan. Can you answer that sort of thing?
*El Jefe*: I can try and help you.
*Cpt SSL*: First, I'd like to know how to enable SSL on e-mail.
*Cpt SSL*: It wasn't listed as one of the features but it's been standard on hosting accounts for about 10 years so I assume there's a way. I'll want to know what that way is before I sign up.
*El Jefe*: You would turn on SSL on your Email clients. Most Email clients like Outlook and windows mail and mac Main and Thunder Bird have the option to turn on SSL for mail.
*Cpt SSL*: *El Jefe*, that's not what I'm asking. Can I please speak to your supervisor. Do not ask me to restate the question or delay for any reason in presenting me with a supervisor or I my complaint about you will be certain to get to the right people.
*El Jefe: I am sorry but my supervisor is not in on week ends. But turning on SSL for email clients is the only way we use SSL for email. There is no other way to turn in on.
*El Jefe*: Our servers have the port numbers for SSL automatically open you just have to set your email client to those SSL ports.
*Cpt SSL*: *El Jefe*, I can see that you don't realize how rude you're being and so I'm inclined to forgive you. But there's one condition: please re-read our brief correspondence. If you have half a brain (which I suspect you do), you'll (a) realize your mistake (b) apologize for it and (c) correct it. All of the information needed to do (a) and (b) is in the above screen and unless you were lying (which I assume you were not), you have the ability to do (c). So, please take care of that without delay. If you respond inappropriately again, you will have forfeited my kindness.
*El Jefe*: Sir I am not sure what you are looking for. SSL for e-mail is already enabled on our servers. Like I said before you just have to set your Email client to use SSL Ports. That is how we have SSL set up for email on our systems. That is the only way to enable SSL for email. I am sorry if i sound like I am being rude I am just stating how SSL is set upon our server.
*Cpt SSL*: You are being rude and you have indeed forfeited my kindness. It's a shame. I had hoped for a better result.
*Cpt SSL*: Have a good day, *El Jefe*.
All of us are baffled by his request.
Well at least they’re honest about something

This was a chat I got on a glorious 10 hour long Sunday shift, enjoy!
Me Hello! Thank you for contacting *Company*. How can I help you?
Monkey Boy: hi
Monkey Boy: Your order confirmation code is as follows: *Order Number*
Monkey Boy: what this ?
Me: That's the order number
Monkey Boy: is that activateD ?
Monkey Boy: i ordered like 3 days ago
Me: Let me see if I can find anything. I'm not actually in sales.
Me: It looks like the order was actually cancelled by our billing department.
Monkey Boy: why ?
Me: It was flagged as a very high probability of being fraud.
Monkey Boy: ![]()
Ass Munch: then fuck off
Ass Munch: it was real fraud
Ass Munch: haha
Ass Munch: mother fuckers
Me: Glad we caught you, good bye
Where I mentioned the high probability of fraud, it was flagged at a 99% probability by our system. I'd never seen anything that high before.
“Unlimited” Shared Hosting

So I've been dealing with a lot of crap the last few weeks.
Many of the problems I've seen at work have simply been due to us offering "unlimited" shared hosting. Which in terms of IT is a very dangerous offering, specifically because people are batshit stupid when it comes to stuff like this. People see "Unlimited Bandwidth" and "Unlimited Diskspace" and think "ZOMG! I can totally run Facebook for $4.95 a month!"
Yeah, when I was talking with one of the admins about stuff like this he about pissed himself laughing.
It's really misleading because no where do you see any mention of CPU or Memory restrictions. Then these same batshit stupid people come back constantly wondering why their accounts are suspended or things are running incredibly slowly.
"Well sir, it's because you and 10 other people on the server have 200G of crap in your accounts."
I can't imagine that anyone who actually has to deal with support for these types of services actually wants to put quotas like this in place. It's just ridiculous!
Way to go Sales teams! You've ruined shared hosting for everyone!
Yes the unlimited packages are all a sales ploy, there I said it. The constant game of one-up-manship that goes on in the world of marketing is the sole reason for this insanity (I know, I know, it's how capitali$m works).
But holy shit, what if things that actually mattered were offered?
Why not limit accounts and then simply state something like the following:
"We're aware that while other companies may offer 'unlimited' bandwidth and diskspace, it's really a bunch of horse shit marketing hype. By limiting our account sizes we help ensure more stable performance of the servers."
I could go on and on about this, but ultimately I know it's an exercise in futility. It's for the simple fact of the matter that people who are fucking dumb enough ignorant enough to think that Facebook runs on a single server won't find this post anyway.
So I'll just leave this at what everything else comes back to: "YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR DIPSHIT!"