Have you ever wondered how you can make sure that anything you ask Tech Support to do or answer for you is met disdain and contempt?
Wonder no more!
I’ve assembled a few surefire methods to make sure any interaction you have with Technical Support is treated like a Venereal Disease and the people handling it just want a shot of Penicillin to make it disappear.
First
Be demeaning, or as I like to call it: “My life is so out of my control that I have to exert some form of imaginary power over a stranger to make myself feel like my life has any meaning” Syndrome.
This is a simple thing really, it goes back to the Golden Rule. How do you want to be treated?
Now, take that and throw it out the window. Treat whoever you’re talking to like they’re a complete moron and don’t know anything at all about the services and products they deal with on a day to day basis.
In short position yourself so that when you’re done talking to them, you wonder why you contacted them for assistance at all.
Even if in the end you don’t know anything more about your question or problem than when you started. You were arrogant and pompous and that’s all that matters… Even if you secretly follow the instructions those idiots gave you.
Second
Act like you’re more important than anyone else.
This is particularly important in written communication, use acronyms and phrases such as following:
- ASAP (or it’s spelled out form As Soon As Possible)
- Right Now (or with kids following it: Right Now!!! or any other family size)
- This is an Emergency!
*Please note: The above suggestions are even more effective if you include them in the title of the communication, so use them liberally.
After all your problem is far more important than anything else those morons could be doing.
Another thing to keep in mind is that if Tech Support has a ticket system that allows you to set a priority, you should set it to the highest alert level. That goes for anything you send to them.
If you’re speaking with someone via a chat session, make sure you ask them if they’re still there if they don’t update you with progress reports every 30 seconds. They couldn’t possibly have three or four other conversations going on at that time could they? Even if they do, they should drop everything because you’re there and this is an emergency after all!
Third
Ignore all documentation that’s been included with whatever you’ve purchased, and treat Tech Support like they’re supposed to be at your beck and call. They’re there to do whatever it is you need them to. Why they don’t have people on standby in every city to come right to your door when you need to set things up or get them working is beyond you.
Fourth
Don’t forget to complain! Features you discover you want or need but were not outlined in the cheap package you purchased aren’t there for the money you’re spending on it. This is particularly relevant when you buy the lowest priced option. You’re a big account even if you’re not spending enough money to cover half of what the people you’re talking to make in an hour.
Fifth
This one is the clincher: If you’re tired and bored with making Tech Support utterly hate you, what you can do is start swearing at them, insulting them, and making comments about their home lives.
Once they’ve hung up on you a few times after complaining about abusive language, demand to speak to a manager and treat them like they’re stupid as well.
If you’re lucky enough you might even work your way up to the CEO of the company and you can keep pushing them. Because, well, you’re entitled to it after all aren’t you?
What other methods have you found that make your blood boil?